When I was a new parent, I was determined to do everything
“right.” I was convinced that if I read enough parenting books, the wisdom
would implant itself from the pages straight into my brain. I read every new
parenting book that came on the market.
Some of the books were helpful. But many were contradictory
and left me more confused than before. There were as many different methods and
approaches as there were books. I started to wonder what made someone a
parenting expert after all. And why didn’t my children respond magically the
way the kids in the books did?
Finally I reached a point where I’d had enough. I was not
going to touch another parenting book.
I realized that I was looking for answers everywhere except
within myself. Nobody knows my family and my children better than I do. I had
the answers inside of me, I just had to start believing they were there.
As mothers, we are prone to losing faith in ourselves. Judgment
from outsiders is almost unavoidable. Many mothers feel they can’t get through
a day without someone—a teacher, a neighbor, an in-law—pointing out how their
parenting is wrong in some way. The hardest critic, though, lives inside of us.
We may have an ideal image in mind of the parent we want to be, and it’s
frustrating and demoralizing when we can’t meet that standard.
It’s natural not to want to persevere at a task when we
don’t feel successful at it. When we don’t feel good about ourselves as
parents, the results are disastrous. If being with our kids makes us feel like
a failure, the result is we don’t want to spend time with our kids.
If you are someone who works with parents in any capacity—a
teacher, a speaker, a parenting “expert”—the greatest gift you can give a
parent is to help them build confidence in themselves. And by doing so you will
be doing a favor for their children too.
In the eighteen years I’ve been a mother, I have been
through many phases. I have been a full time stay-at-home mother, a part-time
working mother, and a full-time working mother. I have breastfed and bottle-fed,
I have had hospital births and homebirths. Having lived through each of these
phases, I know that as our circumstances change, our parenting style may change
as well. I am less likely to be critical of mothers and their parenting
choices, because I’ve probably done it too at some point. I have come to realize
that there is no single right way of doing things.
A friend of mine told me that for years she felt inadequate
because she never took her children on trips during school vacations. The
thought of schlepping them all over town on busses and trains was overwhelming
for her. Instead they’d stay home and do arts and crafts projects.
When she told me this I had to laugh, because I’m the mother
who spends every vacation schlepping my kids on trips all over the city. The
thought of having them run riot with arts and crafts supplies all over the
house makes me feel dizzy.
Becoming a better parent can be as simple as believing that
you’re an effective parent. The psychological term is “self-efficacy,” meaning
that you believe you have the skills and abilities to cope with whatever life
(and your kids) throws at you. Children sense when we really believe in what we
are saying and doing. When we trust ourselves, our children trust us.
Believing in yourself doesn’t mean that you have the answer
to every question on the spot. You recognize when a problem is beyond your
ability to cope and you’re not afraid to go outside yourself to seek support –
whether from family, friends, teachers, mashpiim, community
organizations or mental health specialists.
Surround yourself with people who respect you and believe in
you, but will also be honest with you. Keep a distance from people who are
hyper-critical and are always giving unsolicited advice. If people feel they
have to make comments about your parenting choices, the best response may be to
give a big smile, say, “Thank you!” and move on.
Having a mashpia is essential. Choose carefully – a mashpia
should help you build confidence in yourself, not foster an unhealthy
dependence. Parenting support groups can be invaluable, but sometimes a mother’s
group can be a highly competitive environment with a lot of guilting and
shaming of mothers who don’t conform to a particular parenting style. Choose a
group that is warm and accepting of different parenting styles.
People have different standards and priorities. For one
woman, the most important thing may be having a spotless house, while for another
it may be saying Chitas or playing creative games with her kids.
It’s up to you to choose your own standards. Prioritize. Changing
even one aspect of life is difficult, a tremendous investment of time and
effort. Decide what has to be fixed now and what can be tackled at a later
time. Don’t worry about the judgment of people who have different priorities.
Role Models
I have many different parenting role models. Every time I
pass a mother on the street and get that twinge, “Why can’t I be more like
her?” she becomes my instant role model for the day.
A role model does not have to be someone you feel
comfortable discussing your life with, or someone whom you’d like to emulate in
every aspect. For that matter, she does not have to be someone you know very
well, or know at all! Any time you notice something you admire in someone else
– they are your role model for that moment. Take note of it. Jot it down. Even if
you initially felt inadequate around this person. Turn it around. What is it
that you admired? What are they doing you can learn from?
We see bits and pieces of people’s lives. We see Chanie whose
sheitel always looks perfect and Gittel who speaks so patiently to her children
and Rivka who never skips Chitas and Devorah who is always doing marvelous
projects with her kids, and somehow we put all these different people together
and imagine a single supermom who is doing everything perfectly. But it is not
a real person we are imagining. It is a phantom. In reality everyone has their
own struggles.
Once I was in the pizza shop with my kids, and at the table
behind us there was a mother with four rowdy little boys. Trying to keep them
under control, she looked over at my boys and said, “Why can’t you eat nicely
like those kids over there?” Little
did she know that just a month before, in the very same shop, my perfectly
behaved tzaddik emptied all the drinks out of the shop’s refrigerator
case, to the consternation of the storeowner and other customers.
Stop Using the Word Failure
We need to stop using terms of disrespect when we talk about
ourselves or about other mothers.
“She lets her kids walk all over her.”
“These kids are out of control.”
“This house is a pig-sty.”
Every mother, even the most “incompetent” and
“out-of-control” one, has served countless meals and washed countless loads of
laundry and woken up countless nights to take care of a baby or sick child. I’m
not talking about extreme cases of neglect or abuse. I’m talking about the
mothers we all love to bash, the mothers eating themselves up with guilt over
their perceived failures – the mother who gives in to tantrums, or lets them
stay up too late, doesn’t serve enough fresh vegetables, or talks on the phone
when she should be reading to them.
Don’t globalize the problem. If you have trouble getting
your kids to put away toys, you have trouble getting kids to put away toys. If
your kids won’t eat their vegetables, they won’t eat their vegetables. It does
not mean you are sloppy, neglectful, lazy or a pushover. Words like these
trigger our parental anxieties and turn small, manageable problems into raging
power struggles.
Parenting is a tough job. Some people have more support,
more energy or more money than others. Every mother is doing her best. You may
be passionate about a certain aspect of parenting and find it shocking and
horrifying that there are parents in this world who don’t care about it as much
as they should. Rest assured that those parents care about their children very
much, and perhaps there are things you do that they find equally abhorrent. If
you feel that you must speak up about a certain issue, there are ways to do it
with respect and sensitivity, in a way that acknowledges the mother’s ongoing
efforts.
I once attended a parenting class where the speaker said,
“There is no reason that the beds should not be made every morning!” Instantly
I thought of at least ten valid scenarios where the beds might not be made. I
have no issue with the sentiment itself—I fully agree that taking five to ten
minutes a day to do simple chores can make the rest of the day much less
stressful. I do object to the way the message was delivered.
Does Self-Acceptance Lead to Laziness?
If we relax, become less self-critical, does that mean that
we accept low standards and poor parenting? Shouldn’t we expect more of
ourselves?
Relaxing our own self-judgment doesn’t mean we relax our
standards. It means recognizing that we are imperfect beings who are striving
to do the best we can. We don’t have to wait to feel good about ourselves until
our goals are met. We need to start feeling good about ourselves now—and then
we will have the strength and confidence we need to become better.
As mothers, we know our job is important. We know that it
matters when we remember a child’s request and keep our word. We know it
matters when we listen patiently when our child wants to tell us something. We
know that anger and yelling can damage a child’s sensitive spirit. But do we
need to live in fear of ruining a young life in order to do our jobs properly?
We can live b’simchah, confident in the knowledge that we are doing the
best we can for each child, trusting in Hashem to guide us and give us the
intelligence, sensitivity and strength we need.
What Parents Really Need
There is a well-known minhag that when we bring a
child to cheder for the first time, we throw candies and tell the child
that Malach Michoel threw them. In a sichah of Shavuos 5745, Rebbe asks, how do
we introduce a child to Torah learning by telling him something that is not
true?
Because this is such a widely accepted minhag, it
must be that what we tell the child is true according to Torah as well. The
Rebbe explains that kol hascholos koshos, all beginnings are difficult,
and it takes extra kochos to overcome the initial resistance. Therefore
we shower the child with extra love and closeness, to make his initiation to
learning pleasant. When we say that Malach Michoel threw the candy, this is the
truth. The source of the blessing is Malach Michoel, and the parents are his
messengers. Since a young child is attracted to small things like candy, this
is what we give him. But these gifts we give contain within them the higher
powers that are needed for the education of that child.
To take this a step further, as parents we also need great
gifts and great siyata di’shmaya to embark on the all-embracing job of
educating our children. In order to make ourselves a keli for these
blessings, we need to take a kinder look at ourselves and at others. And in
this way we will draw upon ourselves Hashem’s brochos, brochos b’chein,
b’chesed u’verachamim—with grace, kindness and mercy.
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